Bedtime. Jason smiled as his 16 month old son yawned and rubbed his eyes. He struggled to stay awake, as young children will when they’ve had far too much fun with their dad. This was new for Jason, even still, even a year into the experience of being a single parent, because he had no such memories of this kind of closeness to his own father. Connection like this was still a mystery to Jason, but one he enjoyed more than he’d ever imagined such an experience could be. He closed their copy of the Pokey Little Puppy and pulled Nathaniel close, and he hugged the boy as tightly as he could. He snuggled his mouth in close and blew hard on the boy’s neck, which caused a funny sound that drove the child to a wild laughter that never ceased to lift both their spirits.

Jason stood and whisked his beautiful son from the sofa on which they’d spent the last two hours reading and laughing together and tossed him into the air. “Wheee!” he cried as Nathaniel laughed. The expression on the boy’s face rapidly alternated between worry and joy as his father’s arms carried him up, then down as they danced in a decidedly elliptical manner from one end of the living room to the other. Jason’s hands maintained a steady grip on the boy at all times, and he couldn’t help but open up and smile and laugh almost to tears as the two swung round and round and round again. This is something I never want to live without, he thought. Nathaniel’s laugh was raucous and wild now, and tears poured from his eyes as he giggled hysterically.

Slowly they wound to a more measured pace and Jason drew his son close as the boy began to yawn. As he’d always done, Nathaniel snuggled in close and buried his face in his father’s neck. He tucked his arms up under the warmth of his father’s embrace, and his breathing began to slow. Turning at a snail’s pace now Jason began to sing softly to his son, and both began to feel soothed and ready for the evening to come to a close. You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…you make me happy, when skies are gray…you’ll never know dear how much I love you…please don’t take my sunshine away…

As Nathaniel softly snored, Jason carried him into the kitchen and quietly prepared a bottle of warm baby formula to help the young boy sleep soundly through the night. He stepped quietly down the hallway to Nathaniel’s room and softly lay the baby down in his crib, tucked a pillow behind him and pressed the bottle’s nipple gently at his mouth. Nathaniel accepted the bottle and suckled gently for a moment, but suddenly his eyes opened and he tossed the bottle aside. “Daah-eey” he said, a gentle and affectionate look in his eyes. He pointed past his father to the wall behind him, and Jason turned to look. Nathaniel’s bookshelf stood from floor to ceiling, about four feet wide. Aside from a single shelf, though, it was not filled with books but with stuffed animals of every sort. Jason turned back to face his son, whose long eyelashes and gleaming smile could not be denied. It was time for his nightly ritual.

Every night before bed and every morning first thing, Nathaniel had something to do that would help his day go better or his night more peaceful, and Jason looked forward to it each time. He lifted Nathaniel from his crib and carried him the two steps across the room, within reaching distance of the shelf. Nathaniel reached out as he had every night for the last ten months and ever so gently he began to pet the stuffed brown teddy bear at far left. His hands gently traced the curve of the bear’s arm and his fingers softly trailed and caressed its fur with an affection that only an innocent heart can produce. He reached for the next animal, a stuffed puppy with a suede-like skin, and stroked it along the top of its head in the same gentle manner. One by one he reached out and gently touched or petted each animal as Jason moved him along the length of the shelf, the boy’s tenderness so intense that just watching this ritual was enough to bring great tears to his father’s eyes.

When they reached the final animal, Nathaniel picked it up and gently offered it to his father. This was Nathaniel’s newest animal, his Valentine’s gift, a tiny white teddy bear that rested atop a red silk pillow shaped like a heart. “I love you” was written in simple white letters on the silk pillow, and as Jason held it in place Nathaniel caressed the tiny bear for a little while in the sweetest way imaginable. Jason watched him with overwhelming affection, and warmth like he had never before known washed over him just as it had every night since Nathaniel had come to live with him.

Nathaniel began to yawn as sleep overtook him in the lateness of the evening. He lifted the little bear and pillow from Jason’s hand and softly caressed his father’s cheek with the tiny bear for a moment, and then reached out and put the bear back upon the shelf. He turned back to his father and yawned again, and snuggled close, and there in the evening he was warm and snuggled and safe and loved. Jason tenderly lay the boy back down in his crib, tucked the pillow behind him again and set the bottle back to Nathaniel’s lips. He sucked on the bottle for a moment while his father softly stroked his hair and face. “I love you, goose” Jason said with a smile and a tear, and for the very first time Nathaniel pulled the bottle from his mouth and said clearly “I luff yu, daah-eey”.